My Smart Ass Kid



Something magical has happened over the last few weeks— my five-year-old has managed to turn into a miniature genius. Well, at least in his mind he has. How did this happen? Did Harry Potter fly in and bonk us with his magic stick? Nope, he started kindergarten!

Now every night is like some sort of twisted romper room quiz show/reality show. Example….

Smart Ass Kid: “Daddy, do you know what 2 + 2 is?”

Me: “4.”

Smart Ass Kid: “Nope. it’s 4.”

Me: “That’s what I said.”

Smart Ass Kid: “Nuh-uh.”

On and on it goes. I usually just drop it

A couple of days ago he asked me to draw various shapes. He asked for a triangle, circle, squiggly line, and a square. He wanted to have a reference to draw the shapes on his own. I drew them and shooed him away because I was trying to fix the tv. He was looking at the shapes that I drew and walking away when he spotted the square. He lost his shit over it!

“That is not a square” he blurted out while waving the paper at me. “That is a rectangle. A square has four equal sides.” I swear I detected a bit of condenscension in his voice. Were there four equal sides? Well, no, but it was closer to a square than it was to a rectangle. I redrew it and shuffled him away. He came back a mere five minutes later with a page full of shapes, heavy on squares. He said, ” See, four equal sides.” Fucking smart ass.

For as smart as he thinks he is, he sure fails miserably at the basics. I don’t mean to knock him down a peg, but I will.

He is clueless on when his ass is clean after pooping. I’ve told him to wipe until there’s no more poop on the toilet paper; he insists bending over, spreading his cheeks and asking “Is my butt clean?” I hope like hell he doesn’t do that at school.

Oh, I almost forgot, he has yet to grasp the concept that boogers aren’t food. That’s my little genius. A poop butt booger eater.





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