Driving can be fun, but most of the time it’s a frustratingly dangerous affair. Whether it’s the nervous Nancy driving 40 mph in a 65 mph zone, or the infamous texting driver, navigating the roads can be nasty. The key should be to get from point A to point B as fast as humanly possible. You may be thinking— what makes you a master driver. Well, I’m still here aren’t I? Here are a few tips that have worked for me.
Forget merging, own the road: Freeways are the cardiovascular system of the country. Unless you’ve devised a way to teleport your vehicle directly into the mix, you have to use an on-ramp. Most on-ramps start out as two lanes, and then merge into one. During this merge process, some drivers believe that they have an invisible force field protecting their cars. These A- holes won’t let you merge. Here’s what I do.
Nose up to the car directly in front of you; you need to be so close to that car that you can’t see the license plate. Then start to drift over and straddle the yellow line. This blocks everyone else from speeding up beside you and ruining your merge. Sure people will honk their horns and flip you off but F- them. Maybe next time they will let you over.
Treat ice, snow, and rain like they’re not real: You’ve seen them, the inclement weather drivers. They drive dangerously, putting everyone else at risk. By driving dangerously I mean driving 25 mph under the speed limit. This causes the drivers behind them to become agitated. While agitated, these drivers will try to pass. That’s how accidents happen. Here’s how you can minimize your risk.
Drive like the ice, rain, and snow aren’t there. An easy method for this is what I call the plus 10 rule. Take whatever the speed limit is and add 10 mph to it. If you’re unfortunate enough to get trapped behind one of these dangerous drivers doing 10 mph in a 45 mph zone, honk your horn repeatedly and flash your lights at them. They will eventually pull over and let you blow right past them.
Drink and drive: Do not consume alcohol and drive. Alcohol consumption is meant for the comforts of a bar, restaurant, or your home. By drink and drive I mean always have a bottle of water with you. Parched mouth + driving = disaster.
Speed: This concept is easy to understand. The least amount of time spent driving the better. Less driving time means less chance of accidents. That’s obviously the goal here. I use the plus 20 rule. Take whatever the speed limit is and add 20 mph to it.
Go, go, go on yellow: When you mix blue and yellow you get green. Therefore, a yellow traffic light in the blue sky = green. Green means go. Here’s my final tip.
Blue sky + yellow traffic light = floor it. Hell, black sky + yellow traffic light = floor it. Just close your eyes and mash the gas pedal when you see the yellow light. This tip is foolproof.
** DISCLAIMER ** Use these satirical tips at your own risk. Results may vary. They’ve worked great for me, I’ve only totaled two cars.**
** DISCLAIMER II ** No seriously, don’t do this stuff. You’ll probably end up dead.**
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