It would be easy to dole out sage advice like— never lie, cheat, steal, or kill. That’s not what I’m getting at. This unorthodox list is based on my very own life experiences, well, most of the list.
1. Never loan someone money that you’re not willing to give them: Unless you’re in my inner circle, which is small, I’m not lending you much more than lunch money. Period. Even friends will screw you over.
2. Never eat White Castles after a night of drinking: For those of you not familiar with the fast food restaurant White Castle, allow me to enlighten you. They serve little greasy– onion covered– slider burgers. Trust me, after a long night of adult beverages, they will seem like the perfect night-cap. The next day— you will so regret it.
3. Never shoot paint balls at the motorcycles in front of a biker bar: I made this dumb mistake when I was very young. Several bikers followed me for about 20 miles before they peeled off and let me be. Luckily.
4. Never stiff a good waiter or waitress: Serving people in that capacity is difficult. Also, the pay sucks. Tip the good ones generously. If you get a great one, make their day and go overboard.
5. Never loan someone a gun: This one is fairly obvious.
6. Never chase liquor with beer: For the love of god give your liver a break.
7. Never get a tattoo of a Chinese character: Unless you can read Chinese, you have absolutely no clue what the hell you’re getting tattooed on you. If you’re Chinese, have at it.
8. Never mouth off to a cop: Unless you’re willing to turn a routine traffic stop into an incident, try to keep your mouth filter in place. One morning, quite a few years ago, I was pulled over on the way to work. The cop shined the light in face and said “your eyes are bloodshot, how much dope did you smoke this morning.” I replied “well officer, I can’t imagine why my eyes are bloodshot, it’s only 4 in the morning.” He subjected me to a full function check, right on the side of the road, at 4 in the morning. I was late for work.
9. Never break up a dog fight: I get it, I get it. If your beloved rover gets into a fight at the dog park, your natural response is to plunge your hand right into that pile of teeth and fur to save your pup. If you do, you’re likely to get stitches. Rover can handle itself.
10. Never go into the local haunted house: Every city and podunk town has them. I’ll spare you my haunted house story– for now. You’re likely not going to believe it anyway. Just look at it this way, what good could possibly come from it. Now think about this, what bad could possibly come from it. Does it make sense now?