Imagine this— You’re strolling along, minding your own business, when you notice something falling from the sky. Is it manna from heaven? Nope, even better, it’s your very own magic wand. What would you do with it? Here’s what I would do— Poof, cancer cured. Poof, world peace. Poof, I’m a billionaire. Now that the obvious stuff is out-of-the-way, let’s have some fun.
* I would turn an annoying person into a toad *
It’s not hard to find annoying people, they’re everywhere. I would select one randomly and turn them into a toad. Not a small, hop on the ground toad, but a toad-like-creature. Have you every seen the cheesy 80’s movie weird science? If you have, you probably know where I’m going with this. In weird science, Kelly LeBrock turns Bill Paxton into a farting toad creature. That’s the type of toad that I’m talking about.
* I would do stand up comedy in front of a drugged crowd *
This wand wish has two parts— First, I’d use the wand to secure my stand up gig at a top-notch venue. Gotham Comedy Club in NY will do. Second, I would tell the crowd that I have a magic wand. I’d warn them that the wand spews laughing gas at my command. After the uproar of laughter dies down, or, maybe a few chuckles….. Poof, they get the gas. While they’re pliant puppets under the laughing gas, I’d deliver my ridiculous schtick. I don’t really have a schtick, but does that really matter?
* I would make all cell phones disappear *
Cell phone zombies are the worst. You see them— walking around— their faces buried in their cellular devices, oblivious of their surroundings and the other humans in it. I would go downtown and find an area densely populated with cell phone zombies and…. poof, hit them with the old wand. Chaos would ensue once the zombies realize that they won’t be able watch their Twitter/Facebook feeds.
* I would crash-land like the greatest american hero *
I was a dorky little kid. When I was young my favorite superhero wasn’t superman. Spiderman? Nope. It was Ralph Hinkley, the greatest american hero. Again, like weird science, this is 80’s cheese fest at its best. The best part of the show was when Ralph tried to land. Notice that I said “tried.” That dude crash landed everywhere, and I loved it. I would use the wand to outfit myself in red spandex and a black cape. Then I would crash-land through someones storm door.
* I would turn myself into a ghost and haunt someone *
Come on. This one is too good to pass up. I’m not talking about a rattling the kitchen cupboard doors type of ghost. I’m talking about waking up in the middle of the night with me screaming in your face type of ghost.
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