Election Day Blues.

I’m going to go to work, put in a solid day, leave work to go vote, and hopefully not run my car into a god damn telephone pole at the thought that one of these two candidates will be the leader of the free world by the end of the day. It’s gross.

I usually steer clear of politics because people are thin-skinned and they don’t like it when you say something bad about their candidate. They treat it as if you’ve said something bad about their mother— or their dog. But, I’ll make an exception today.

I’m ashamed that this is the best we can do — that after all the campaigning these are the two for the job. And if we were to speak truly, they’re not!

They say that the cream rises to the top. Well, for people with IBS, shit rises to the top of the toilet. That’s what this is— America has IBS and politics is her toilet.

If we were a smarter country, smarter people, we’d welcome conversations about other candidates. People like Gary Johnson and Jill Stein would be in the debates— and be topics for the dinner table.  I just find it hard to believe that everyone falls so nice and neat into these two categories— Republicans and Democrats.

I can only hope for, and wish luck on whoever wins. I hope that they are able to put aside biases, and the nasty rhetoric from the election, and actually govern for the people. Though that is definitely easier said than done.

That’s all I’ve got for now… I gotta go vote… It’s my duty!

 

 

 

Schmuck Of The Week: Bobby Petrino

I was unfortunate enough to see a clip of Bobby  Petrino, head coach of the Lousiville Cardinals football team, up on his soap box crying about sportsmanship and ethics. Hearing a schmuck like Petrino talk about sportsmanship, and imply ethics, is like listening to a politician tell you that they have your best interest in mind— and believing it! I mean that huckster’s shenanigans are infamous. Here’s a timeline for your viewing pleasure.

If we wade through Petrino’s bullshit it’s easy to understand; Lousiville is on the outside looking in, and Bobby doesn’t think it’s fair. In case Bobby forgot, his team lost its one and only big game. Please, don’t mention Florida State, they fucking suck. If that’s the win Bobby wants to hang his hat on, I wish him luck.

The bottom line is this… Washington is undefeated and deserves to be ahead of Louisville. Shit, Louisville isn’t even the best one loss team. Has Petrino watched Ohio State? Their resume may be the most impressive in college football.

The really painful part, the part that has Petrino twisted is that their remaining schedule is awful. There won’t be a win worth a shit on their resume, and Bobby knows it.

Washington can beat an up and coming USC team— and has the ability go on to win the Pac 10 championship. That would be more than enough to keep them ahead of Lousiville.

Ohio State has already beaten Oklahoma on the road, Wisconsin on the road, and just whipped #10 Nebraska like dogs.I mean they beat them like a drum! Oh yeah, and they have the opportunity to beat #3 Michigan— and go on to win the Big 10 championship.

Sorry Bobby, you have a damn good team but beating Wake Forrest, Houston, and Kentucky isn’t going to cut it.

And here’s a special apology to the Louisville fans— Sorry you have to put up with such a prick for a head coach.

OK for now.

 

 

Bad Books Read(Attempted) In 2016

wp-1478455234424.jpegSince I’ve mapped out the rest of my reading year, which is full of Harlan Coben, Stephen King, Joe R Lansdale, and maybe a sprinkling of Michael Connelly, I think I can give you my duds of 2016 right now.

The Corrections- Jonathan Franzen: It blows my mind that this book is so well loved. I thought it was unreadable because the story line was boring and I didn’t give a shit about the characters.

After spending 100 or so odd pages laying the groundwork for Chip, you’d think I would like him, or hate him, or give a fuck about him one way or the other. I didn’t.

This book is boring, and if given the option I would rather shovel cow shit. Or watch reality TV.

(0 Stars- Quit on page 217)

The Regional Office is Under Attack- Manuel Gonzales: I heard about this on various bookish podcasts and I really wanted to like it. There is a lot of action if that’s what you’re looking for, but again, boring characters. They’re not fleshed out so you really don’t care about them.

Also, the shit is all over the map. It’s like Mr. Gonzales wrote a cogent story, threw the papers all over the ground, bundled them up in random order, and then published it.

(0 Stars – Quit on page 184)

Mark of the Beast- Adolphus A. Anekwe: The flashy cover caught my eye and the synopsis seemed interesting— so I bought it. And now, when I think about the 9 dollars I spent on this book, I throw up in my mouth. To say it’s poorly written would be an understatement, it’s atrocious. I mean awful!

Do you like interesting characters? You’ll find none here, and the dialogue is fucking silly and robotic. It’s been a while, but I’ll try to make up dialogue to give you an example….

“Denise, go to the store and buy a bottle of bleach so we can try to get rid of the DNA that is on the floor right here by the refrigerator,” Bill said.

“You go to the store, Bill. I’m busy filing my nails. Plus, I’m going to start the process of disposing of the body that is currently laying on the floor right in front of you,” Denise replied.

You get the drift?

(0 stars- Quit on page 92)

Random Thought: Spider Infestation.

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Spider Infestation: I want spiders in my house about as much as I want pubic lice, but I’m not terrified of the possibility. My wife, on the other hand, thinks every spider she kills in the garage is a Brazilian Wandering Spider. This fear has also clouded her judgment on size and shape.

“I stepped on a spider the size of a golf ball,” she said. I can’t confirm this, but I highly doubt it.

“Quick, go look on the glue board behind the washer. There’s a spider stuck to it the size of a big mac— I told you we’re infested,” she blurted….. I go look and it was barely the size of a nickel. I was about to write all of this off as paranoia until my uncle was bitten by a spider in his sleep. Nevermind the fact that he lives 20 miles away, a fucking spider bit his neck while he was sleeping. Now I’m on board!

I want glue boards in the vents of every room in this house. I’m going to spray the baseboards and behind every piece of furniture. I’m going to get a handle on this before it’s too late. No midnight neck bite for me.

 

 

Random Thoughts: Washing hands and Parking Lots.

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Washing your hands: I’m not the smartest man out there, but I know not to eat shit. That’s why I wash my hands thoroughly after going to the restroom. I do a vigorous 30 seconds of lathering and rinsing, only to have it nullified by the dick heads that I work with. These assholes are either too lazy or too stupid to wash their hands, even after taking a dump. It’s fucking disgusting.

It always happens while I’m in the stall. Someone will come out, go to the sink skipping the soap, splash their hands under the water  for about a second, as if that alone kills typhoid, then they go out spreading their shit all over the god damn place. On the door handles. Perhaps the coffee pot. Fuck, these sideways bastards probably put their shit on my desk and computer mouse.

I can never put a face to these people because it always happens while I’m in the stall. I decided to take a different route.

I printed out and posted a quick synopsis about typhoid mary. I put it above the soap dispensers in the three  bathrooms that I can go in without getting fired. Sorry ladies, you’re on your own. One can only hope that the shit weasels see it and have second thoughts, or at least realize that they’re weird— and gross.

Parking Lots: The parking situation at my work is grim. I generally have to park in a neighboring parking lot because we have more employees than parking spots. The lot I park in is vast, it doesn’t even have lines. It’s a free-for-all.

There’s a jackass in a piece of shit Grand Am that always crowds my door, despite the fact that there’s a lot of free space. The other day it was so tight I thought I was going to have to crawl through the passenger door.

It crossed my mind to key the fuck out of the car, but what good would that do?  The driver probably wouldn’t even notice it. Instead, I unscrewed the valve cap from the rear tire, put a small pebble from the parking lot in the valve stem, then reinstalled the cap. The tire was flat when I left work. Your move fucker!

 

 

 

Shit I’ve Learned The Hard Way

Shaving in the dark doesn’t end well: The other morning when I was running late I shaved in the dark. You may be wondering why I didn’t just reach over and turn on the light. My only answer is a lack of coffee.

I noticed it at work on my first trip to the bathroom. I looked like I let Ray Charles shave my face. And he’s blind— and dead.

Chorizo chili is too delicious: If you’ve never made chili with ground chorizo, you absolutely must. It is delicious, so delicious that I usually eat a couple bowls for dinner. Then I generally take it for lunch the next day. This doesn’t seem like a big deal unless you work in a tiny, quiet office like I do. Draw your own conclusions.

Air freshener booby traps: My wife has planted these little air freshener spraying devices all over the house. There’s one on top of the toilet in the downstairs bathroom. The other morning I found out that this little bugger is lined up directly with my penis. Oh, it smells like pine cones.

Wash your ass last: This one should go without saying but my 5-year-old doesn’t get it. Actually, he thinks it’s funny to wash his ass first. Enjoy your pink eye buddy!